[This article was published in the Tigard-Tualatin-Sherwood-Times, Beaverton Valley Times, Lake Oswego Review and West Linn Tidings on December 14, 2007].
Confessions of a Professional Server
By:Kristen Forbes
Confessions of a Professional Server
By:Kristen Forbes
I’ve said it before and I’m not ashamed to say it again: I dislike people.
Now, to clarify, certain individuals are exempt from my dislike. For example, I like my friends, parents, sister and other relatives, my adorable boyfriend, coworkers and editors, random people who say hello when I’m out hiking, small children, the senior citizens who work out in the gym at 10am and smile encouragingly (it’s a nice break from the lurkers and intimidators who go around 5pm), some celebrities, such as Robert Downey Jr. and every member of the Boston Red Sox, and especially my three-year-old niece Grace and one-year-old nephew Ryan.
It’s just everyone else who causes me problems.
Let me explain how I cultivated my dislike for mankind.
I’ve been a professional server for a good five years now. Through this role, I have enjoyed the thrill of cash in hand, short shifts, flexible schedules and countless opportunities to meet new and interesting people.
Through this role, I have also reached the conclusion that people – a lot of people – suck.
Allow me to explain why there is no worse time of year to be a waitress than the holidays.
I can tell you from extensive firsthand experience that the idea that people become merrier and/or more generous and/or friendlier and/or less selfish and/or happier during the holidays is a complete fallacy. Annoying customers always exist (For the record, wonderful, generous, kind-hearted customers also exist.) There seems to be a common link, however, between the holidays and a greater-than-average abundance of particularly annoying customers.
Here are the three types I encounter most frequently and why they grate at me so much:
1.) The Verbal Tipper. The verbal tipper operates as follows: Let’s say a sweet and lovable waitress named Tina is waiting on a perfectly nice man, Lars, and his family. Lars engages Tina in conversation, exchanges lighthearted laughter and banter and lets Tina know he is enjoying his time at the restaurant. He goes out of his way to praise Tina on the fine service she provides and thanks her for all she has done to make his dining experience enjoyable. Right before he leaves, Lars really brings it home, stating one last time how much he enjoyed the service, food, atmosphere and evening. He proclaims he’d love to return again and thanks Tina profusely for going out of her way to help him and his family.
Lars leaves and Tina looks over the bill, only to realize she’s just been verbal tipped: the dollar amount left by the customer does absolutely nothing to reflect the over-exuberant verbal praise. They may as well have come from two different people – if Tina had seen the tip and not heard the praise, she would have thought she’d done something horribly wrong. Instead, she realizes she’s just been duped by a verbal tipper. Serving a verbal tipper is akin to dating a tease – in the end, we realize we put a lot of energy into something, based on the signals we were receiving, only to get nothing for our efforts – nothing, that is, except depleted pride and overwhelming exhaustion.
2.) The Signer/Motioner/Gesturer. There are people in this world who rely on sign language due to impaired hearing and for them, signing is always an acceptable form of communication. Most servers, however, hear just fine. Therefore, it is okay to speak to them. As in, out loud. Speaking is always preferable to snapping, waving and beckoning.
Why is it that so many people insist on communicating to us via hand gestures? I can be inches away from someone and instead of politely asking for a refill, this someone will hold up a nearly empty glass and shake it for me, letting me hear the ice clank against the bottom of the glass. This is supposed to be my cue to quietly and naturally fetch a new drink, careful not to disturb by – gasp – talking and ruining the moment.
I never accept this cue, though. If anything, it just makes me want to talk even more audibly: “Are you trying to tell me you need a new vodka tonic, is that what that is?” I like to say to my guests who shake drinks at me. I can’t help myself – I’m not an animal in a zoo that’s going to respond to wild motions and hand movements. I’m a human being and I like to make this fact known (in retrospect, this may partly explain the consistently poor tips I receive. Hmm.)
It it’s not the shaking of the glass, it’s the gosh-awful universal check-signing signal. Or it’s the I’m-not-going-to-say-a-word-to-you-but-please-stand-here-as-I-hand-you-these-dirty-dishes maneuver. Or it’s the frantic wave from across the room – explain to me how me carrying a large tray filled with beverages or food, which I’m about to deliver to another table, conveys the message that I am not busy and free to intercept your waving me down.
Then there’s the snap. You may as well put a collar around my neck and a bowl of water on the floor when you break out the snap.
People, I’m begging: Recognize us as fellow people. Don’t speak in sign.
3.) The Random Complainer. This breed of whiner goes beyond the basic “This tastes cold” / “That costs too much” / “What’s taking so long?” complaining. This specimen, although rarer, is just pervasive enough to justify a mention.
This is the person who calls me over to insist, “This water doesn’t taste like water!” Yes, that was a real quote.
This is the person who says, “Can you ask your manager if he’ll pay my dry cleaning bill since I got lint from this black napkin all over my pants?” Yes, that was a real quote.
I appreciate that the holidays are a stressful time, and with good reason: Families! Bills! Shopping! Travel! Deadlines! Consumerism! The pressure! I get it, I really do.
Guess what? That lovely gal serving you is feeling the same stress and pressure. The difference is that she does her best to mask her overwhelming annoyance because it is her job to smile, fawn, fetch and serve.
More than anything, she’s waiting for that rare, rare breed of customer who makes her forget just why she dislikes people so much in the first place.
Kristen Forbes is a freelance writer living in Tigard. To view her blog, visit www.krissymick.blogspot.com
